Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Bitch | Introduction | After the library and HORSE

The tragic kidnapping of Silkworms Ink by the petulant and pestilent virus Finkpoint has finally come to an end. We, the Silkworms Ink editors, upon realising what had happened immediately rushed to our medical library for guidance – we scoured – manically hunting for a cure. Our research took us to the depths of dark arts, some books called for May-born sheep’s blood to be poured into the computer monitor’s fan, others promised a sacrifice of a hamster upon the keyboard would draw out the viral beast from within. The ‘put-leeches-in-the-CD-tray’, an idea of our own – inspired by their success with blood  - was equally as unsuccessful. A week we searched for the answer, then like buses two came along. The first solution, ‘The Trojan Horse’ – involved us challenging Finkpoint to a high stakes game of HORSE – if we won, we got the blog back, if Finkpoint won – well, who could know what it would demand. The second solution, was turn the blog on an off again. Subsequently, we lost the game of HORSE and Finkpoint declared that from that day forward each of us would have to, when asked about our opinion of Simon Cowell’s ‘The X Factor’, argue that it was an inspiring feat of television, that took viewers on a journey full of surprising twists and turns and each season ending with us having learned something. We turned the blog on and off again – and it worked like a charm.

So, dear readers, we are back and what better a way to begin than with a good bitch…

Or, actually, not – why bother? Life is too short to moan about it. Our blog gets taken over by a super-villainous virus – so what, shit happens. Let’s look on the bright side and have an anti-bitch instead – a good old rant about the things we love; from simple pleasures, through favorite things, to compliments to the world.

Please comment and tell the collective ‘us’ what you think are the best things.

This week's theme is dedicated to ‘Fyodor MD’ 
– although Jon, I still think that was a terrible name for a hamster.

James Harringman
(Once again) Editor-in-Chief


  1. It was a better name than the title of your ghost-written, exceptionally biased autobiography, "Stop! You're Getting Semen In My Eye".

  2. I shouldn't have to remind you Mr Ware, that the royalties from the infamous Warner Bros film adaptation of said book continue to pay your wages. Furthermore, pay for what you choose to spend those wages on - I'm referring to the trendy little bear den you opened up on Old Compton Street. Lastly, they paid for those 5000 virgins you purchased on company expenses. How are they all doing by the way? I hear the Dungeons & Dragons tournament you organised for them went very well.

  3. The virgins are having a whale of a time. Three of them just conquered the azure dragon at the top of Mount Phlegmatic. Afterwards, I made them nachos and cauliflower cheese.

    Few, if any of them have any suspicion about my true purposes.

  4. You can only keep them in the dark so long.

  5. Also, these excerpts are taken from Giles Coren's scathing 119-page review of the film adaptation;

    "Christian Slater, as James J Harringman, reminds us why the troubled actor fell from grace in the 90s; he has neither the requisite sense of mischief nor the Essex accent required for the part of the literary editor and bestiality-rights spokesman. Additionally, he's simply not ginger enough."

    "Tilda Swinton is suitably gruff as point man and 'dream-forger' Jonathan Ware, but, really, this is one part we've all seen her play once too often."

    "Through the magic of editing, Orson Welles is brought back to play music journalist and blonde person Samuel Kinchin-Smith. Welles is a wonder, and his presence lights up the screen. A disappointing performance."

    "Also of note is Mick Jagger's cameo as Harringman's pirate father, Phil Brown."

    "Harringman's later conversion to Islam and career revival as a live-webcam porn astronaut are skimmed over far too quickly in favour of gangland shootouts and nude scenes featuring Welles - all in all, you really wonder whether Brett Ratner had the artistic nous to take on such an immense project."

    "For buffs everywhere, that's actually the poet George Ttoouli playing Richard Branson in the courtroom scene. Harringman himself can also be glimpsed for a split-second in the jury box, waving directly at the camera and flexing his biceps."

  6. Well it's no surprise Giles Coren speaks favourably of you in the review - you two have been virtually inseparable since you met at the 2005 Literary Review's 'Bad Sex in Fiction' Award ceremony. To this day it astounds me how Coren's 'Wrinkler' beat your own autobiography 'Waredogging: How I Ducked the Registar'. I would quote passages of it here, but as you know of those 10 copies printed, 9 were burnt by that evangelical christian group and the other (signed copy) you gave to George Michael.

    Returning to the review, I see you left out Coren's notes on the DVD extras - particularly the clip where Brett Ratner mistook you for Tilda Swinton dressed as you and began asking you questions about 'Broken Flowers' - which you answered far to capably for someone who wasn't actually in it. Giles dwells on this for some time - an in joke between you two I assume.

  7. I'm actually appearing briefly in his next historical cookery programme with Sue Perkins,

    'Two Unfunny Hacks Eat Meals Prepared For Them By Other People, Talk Through Their Noses, Play Dress Up And Generally Tit About'.

    The first episode is set in the pre-Homo Sapiens era. I play Xenu.

  8. Oh, do let me know when it airs - I'll record the series.

    I did enjoy that show they did last year 'Going into Restaurants, Pretending to be Michelin Star Judges, Eating, Insulting the Staff and Running Out Without Paying'. That little Italian place they went to in the third episode looked fantastic.

  9. Referring to the original post - I've always been partial to poached eggs, much better than fried.