Wider Leaking | Free Screenplay: Next Season's South Park Premiere

Editor’s note: in the spirit of transparency, we’re going to keep leaking unpublished scripts until Hollywood sorts its act out and stops making Twilight movies.


This one is the entire draft script of the first episode of the next season of classic animated comedy show, South Park. I’ve only had a chance to skim through this myself, but I think this alone should be evidence against the naysayers who argue that South Park has become stale, gloating and predictable. Nobody could have predicted this episode, provisionally titled, ‘CARTMAN TAKES A LEAK PART 1 OF 5: THE EPIC SAGA'.

SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, INT, DAY



CARTMAN is running through the hallway, knocking children to either side. The fat little bastard is panting, and clearly very excited about something.

CARTMAN:
He’s coming! He’s coming!

He finally runs out of breath, coming to a halt, in front of STAN, KYLE and KENNY.

STAN:

Who’s coming, Cartman?

CARTMAN:

You guys are not going to believe this.

(Slowly, with emphasis)
Julian Assange is coming to South Park.

KYLE:

Oh, fuck.

STAN:

(Confused)

Dude, who’s Julian Assange?

KYLE:
He’s that asshole who leaked US documents and posted them online.

CARTMAN:

Fuck you, Kyle! Julian Assange is a hero! You’re just pissed off because you know he has the files about how you Jews secretly rule the world and you invented AIDS to wipe out all the goyim.

KYLE:

Fuck you, fatass!

CARTMAN grabs hold of BUTTERS, who’s passing by.

CARTMAN:

Butters. Butters. You think Julian Assange is a hero, don’t you?

KYLE:

No, he thinks Julian Assange is a butthole. Don’t you, Butters?

BUTTERS:

(Hesitantly, as always)

Oh, gee, fellas...I don’t want to upset the government but...feels like we have a right to know everything they get up to and all.

KYLE:

No, we don’t! Butters, how could you have fallen for this narrative in which an entity which is not a hero, whose motives are in fact grubby and self-serving, gets made out to be one?

BUTTERS:

Well, uh, gee, Kyle...

CARTMAN:

Don’t listen to him, Butters. He’s just trying to stop us from finding out those Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Well, we won’t let him.

He turns, and announces to the crowded hall,

CARTMAN:
Everyone – everyone! I have an announcement to make.

(Pause; dramatically)

In the spirit of Julian Assange and greater transparency, it wouldn’t be fair for me to hold on to any of the secrets I’ve kept over the years.

(Pause)

Kenny jerks off to pictures of Sharon Osbourne.

KENNY:

(Denying it vehemently)

Mmmhmhmmmmm!

KYLE:

(To himself)

Oh, come on.

(Aloud)

Cartman! So you’re being completely transparent?

CARTMAN:

(Pompously)

That’s right, Kyle.

KYLE:

So are you going to tell everyone about that time you did a shit in the fountain at Disneyland?

CARTMAN goes very still. He seems to be trying to come up with a comeback.

CARTMAN:

Fuck you, Jew!

TOWN HALL, INT, DAY


A crowded audience. RANDY, SHARON and STAN are seated. STAN looks bored. RANDY looks excited. SHARON looks annoyed.

RANDY:

I can’t believe we’re finally going to meet Julian Assange!

SHARON:

What’s the big deal, Randy?

RANDY:

(Visibly upset)

Oh, my God, Sharon – that is ignorant. That is soo ignorant. Julian Assange is a hero!

SHARON:

No, he isn’t! He’s a rapist!

RANDY:

Oh, my God, Sharon, that is so naive. Just believe what the government wants us to believe. Just keep on believing in what they tell you. Me, I have my own opinions. I believe what Julian Assange tells me to think.

A pause for the hypocrisy of this to sink in. SHARON facepalms.

STAN:

Dad, I want to go home!

RANDY:

Quiet, Stanley! If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Elsewhere in the audience, JIMMY says, excited,

JIMMY:

Th-th-th-th-th-th-

(Pause)

-there he i-ui-i-i-i-i-

(Pause)

-is!

JULIAN ASSANGE steps up to the podium. He has a tortured Australian accent, acts really gay, and for some reason or another has the appearance of a man made out of straw.


The sign in front of the podium says, ‘Julian Ass’

JULIAN ASSANGE:

Hello, South Park!

The crowd goes insane.


SHARON glances to her left, where OFFICER BARBRADY is sitting. He looks excited as well.

SHARON:

Why don’t you arrest him?

OFFICER BARBRADY:

Lady, are you fucking kidding me? That’s Julian Assange! He’s a hero! He taught us to hate America again!

From onstage, JULIAN ASSANGE is beginning to speak.

JULIAN ASSANGE:

I am a revolutionary of the truth! I want to live in a world where there are no secrets whatsoever!

The crowd goes insaner.

JULIAN ASSANGE:

I have been imprisoned. Oppressed by the US. But I have an army behind me! An army of heroic Internet warriors!

QUICK IRONIC CUT TO-

BEDROOM, INT, DAY


One of JULIAN ASSANGE’s HEROIC INTERNET WARRIORS. It’s that fat guy from the World of Warcraft episode, because South Park ran out of ideas some time ago.

Yup, that's the one.

He leans back, staring blankly at the screen and clicking with his mouse. He’s very FAT.

CUT BACK.

TOWN HALL, INT, DAY


STAN looks annoyed. He stands up on his chair.

STAN:

Excuse me! Excuse me! Mr Assange! I was wondering...was it really necessary to release all those documents? I mean, American lives were endangered.

RANDY:

Stan, will you be quiet?

(To JULIAN ASSANGE)

Er, sorry, Mr Assange. My son didn’t mean any harm-

JULIAN ASSANGE waves a hand.

JULIAN ASSANGE:

Please – don’t worry about it.

(Leaning forward; gently)

Stupid little boy – do you want to be ruled by a fascist government?

STAN:

Well, no-

JULIAN ASSANGE:

Do you want an American empire with zero accountability?

STAN:

(Protesting)

But there’s no accountability, dude. There’s just you.

RANDY looks genuinely angry.

RANDY:

Stanley Marsh, that is quite enough! We’re leaving. Come on, Sharon.

SHARON:

You dragged me to this stupid meeting – now you want us to leave?

RANDY:

We are leaving, Sharon!

He grabs her roughly by the arm. She begins to struggle.


Onstage, apparently reacting to the sight of a man physically overpowering a woman, JULIAN ASSANGE looks suddenly very excited. He glances downward.

JULIAN ASSANGE:

(To his penis)

Easy there, Mr Winkle. You’ll get us in trouble again.

This would be DISTASTEFUL and LIBELLOUS if it wasn’t cutting-edge, boundary-pushing satire.


Suddenly, the doors burst open. Everyone turns.

And, standing in the doorway, is OZZY OSBOURNE.

OZZY OSBOURNE:

Where is ‘e? Where is the little fucker?

He strides down the aisle until he reaches the chair where KENNY’s sitting. He leans down and pokes KENNY in the belly.

OZZY OSBOURNE:

You! You bin wankin’ to me Sharon? Don’t even try to deny it, I ‘eard about it frough these leaks.

KENNY:

(Desperately)

Mmmhmhmhmhmm!

OZZY OSBOURNE picks him up AND BITES HIS HEAD OFF.

STAN:

(Shocked)

Jesus Christ!

Kenny, just moments before his grisly and hilarious decapitation.

KYLE turns to CARTMAN.

KYLE:

You just got Kenny killed, fatass! You and your stupid leaks!

CARTMAN:

Fuck you, Jew!

KYLE punches CARTMAN in the face. He keels over, and begins to twitch.


For some reason, everyone starts fighting.

STAN:

Everyone, be quiet!

Everyone stops fighting.

STAN:

All of you...listen. I’ve learnt something here today.

(Pause; as the gentle music strikes up)

Secrets should be kept secret. That’s why they’re called secrets. We need to trust our government to do the right thing and accept that we can’t always know everything that’s going on in the world.

(Pause)

And if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

The crowd goes silent.

JULIAN STRAWMAN:

(Sorrowfully)

You’re...you’re right, little boy.

(Pause)

I guess I just got so caught up in trying to expose the truth...that I forgot how it’s important for governments to sometimes conceal things from us.

OZZY OSBOURNE:

(Wiping away a tear)

Let’s all go an’ ‘ave a noice cuppa tea.

For some reason, CARTMAN, still a convulsing pile of limbs on the floor, shits himself.


Everyone laughs at CARTMAN.

JULIAN ASSANGE:

Ha! What a little faggot!

Everyone laughs at CARTMAN some more.


END OF EPISODE.

A.N. If it doesn’t run to 20 minutes, we’ll stick in a subplot about Butters getting addicted to Microsoft Kinect. If it still doesn’t run to 20 minutes, we’ll include a five-minute song skit. Family Guy does it all the time.

T.P. & M.S.

P.S. If we can fit it in, I'm thinking we have a bit where Julian Assange starts jerking off to a photo of Sharon Osbourne in Cartman's bathroom. And as he jerks off, he yells,

"OH, GOD! I'M LEAKING! I'M LEAKING SO HARD! I REALLY THINK I'M ABOUT TO LEAK RIGHT NOW! OH, I CAN'T STOP THIS LEAK!"

And then he ejaculates all over Cartman as he opens the bathroom door. And Cartman blinks and says,

"Weak."

Sex | Music | Elephant makes love to Janine off-of EastEnders

I have a memory that I literally can’t account for, beyond the reasonable assumption that, knowing this took place when I was eleven or twelve years old, even the most innocuous sniff of something sexy on the telly was always going to lodge itself in the long-game of my recollection. (Even if that sniff of something sexy involved Janine from ’Enders’ awful pale-piggy-moonface and Mike ‘everybody’s favourite homophobic racist’ Reid. In hindsight, brrrrrrrrrr.)

The scene is the soon-to-be (maybe already?) no more Queen Vic. Fraaaaaaank’s behind the bar, at the peak of his powers (‘Only a kiss!? You nearly swallowed ’im ’ole’). Terrible, awful Janine drags Jamie (remember, the boy what looked like a girl – like Hannah from S Club 7 but in reverse) upstairs and into her sty. ‘I told you, downstairs was just a taster.’ ‘Look, Janine, what about your dad?’ ‘Look, chill out, he won’t disturb us. You want to dontcha?’ ‘Yeah…yeah…?’ ‘Have you done it before? It’s alright, I have, LOADS OF TIMES…’

Unbelievably, I’ve found the clip on YouTube – the above wasn’t all from memory, obvs. In fact, I could have only really sketched out the framing if it wasn’t for the apparently exhaustive ’Enders YouTube channel. No, this bizarre memory is all about one particular detail – the context less important than it is JUST FUCKING BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN.

Detail’s this – and on second thoughts, perhaps it’s also embedded in my memorybanks because, even at the age of twelve, I could recognise the magnificent crassness of the thing.

Janine: ‘I like doing it to music, don’t you?’

Jamie: ‘What?’

Background: it’s only Another GODDAM Level man, ‘Let’s get legitimate and concentrate on us / So when we’re intimate our love is based on trust / Love is so good when there is two / People involved just me and you / Cause the thought of you with someone else / Just makes me crazy, baby’ ALL TOGETHER NOW ‘I want you for myself, I don’t want nobody else. To try to intervene or come between you and me. Cause we got a good thing, yeah…’

Janine off-of ’Enders ‘likes doing it to music.’ Don’t we all? Not to put too fine a point on it – I mean, you’d have to be a fairly ridiculous person to actually copy the whole Janine thang and design a sexual encounter around an (admittedly achingly romantic) song. But most people have surely – be it for reasons of, I don’t know, noise sensitivity or merely the whims of an iTunes shuffle – done stuff with music on in the background and at some point during the stuff thought to him or herself, goodness, this is an excellent song, I really like this song and I also like what’s happening and the combination of the song and what’s happening is a good combination that I like and this is kind of great and afterwards, maybe a couple days later, remembered the combination and said to him or herself, Janine-like, I like doing it to music.

Some music.

Which begs the question, what songs are good songs for such good combinations? This question is, inevitably, an incredibly personal one – revealing too, I never looked at the girl who explained that her favourite such combination involved the demented fairground stomp of Nick Cave’s cover of ‘Sleeping Annaleah’ in the same way again (reader, I married her!). Too personal, revealing, idiosyncratic to catalyse a bloggable general rule, then – better, as ever, turn to South Park I suppose. (But not before acknowledging that I’ve personally had great results with Richard Strauss’ ‘Also Sprach Zarathustra’ and Peaches’ ‘Fuck the Pain Away.’)

Specifically an episode from, I guess, a similar era to Dogface’s seduction of Jamie, ‘Elephant Makes Love To A Pig’ – in which Chef, in headier days long before the whole Scientology debacle, explains the following (taken direct from the script, available here – for the song itself, turn to this week’s essay-soundtrack-playlist):

Ohh, children, you just can’t stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant, and, and, expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood. [moves over to a boombox with a mike attached] Let me show you boys what I'm talking about.

Tonight is a-right for love,
you know I -- want tuh touch you where the lights don’t go.
Tonight is a-right for love, love gravay.

Expressing love so sweet.
I want tuh -- keep you burnin’ like a dog in heat.
Tonight is a-right for love, love graaavaaay.

[The elephant and pig approach each other. Fluffy smiles at the elephant, then turns around in order to receive him]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

[Enter Elton John. Intermingled shots of Fluffy and elephant getting interested.]

Long and short of it, where sex is concerned, music can bloody achieve things. This being Music As Reading though, we can’t just leave it at an acceptance of that: we have to ask, can literature, reading do the same?

Jon Ware says no. The Bad Sex Awards say no. George Bataille says yes, but George Bataille is, essentially, on a level with Another Level where this subject is concerned –  ‘Guffaws emerged like foolish and involuntary hiccups but scarcely managed to interrupt a brutal onslaught on cunts and cocks’ one, lovely unexpected combinations nil. The case of a former Warwick University Students’ Union President (name no cough JOE KIRBY cough) who attempted, once upon a time, to introduce select passages of Shakespeare into his love-play says no.

So what are we left with? An elephant making love to a pig. Jamie Mitchell attempting to make love to a pig. For that reason and that reason alone, the following are the most erotic novels ever written. Trust.

Animal Farm – George Orwell

Lord of the Flies – William Golding

P. G. Wodehouse’s Blandings Castle stories

A. A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh stories

AND Babe: the Gallant Pig – Dick King Smith

(To access a Spotify essay-soundtrack-playlist to accompany the above, click here)

Sam Kinchin-Smith
Music Editor