Wider Reading | A Personal Letter From David Cameron To Silkworms Ink

Editors' note:

This morning we were all rather surprised by the arrival of six SAS men and their MI6 handlers, unannounced, landing in a helicopter on the roof of the Silkworms offices. Once we'd disarmed them and taken them prisoner, they soon explained to us that they'd actually intended to make contact with us in order to deliver a personal letter from the Prime Minister himself, Mr. David William Donald Cameron. Whether or not the author of said letter was really Mr. Cameron remains to be seen, especially as the SAS men turned out not to be SAS men at all but civil servants from the Ministry of Sound wearing camouflage and fluorescent headbands. Regardless, we felt it was our duty to print it as another exciting and traffic-encouraging chapter in Silkworms' history. Letter follows below.

Dear Editors,

I just wanted to express my delight at your ongoing series of musical mixtapes - and your site as a whole, by the way. Five young people going out there and blogging for themselves really is a symbol of what I mean to do with the Big Society - after all, people can't expect the government to go around blogging for them all the time. But let me make one thing quite clear.

I was delighted to see that the latest album from experimental artist PJ Harvey has been so thoroughly critically acclaimed and done so well in the charts - I have always been a fan of hers, I have always enjoyed her music, and I admire her as a Briton. I have listened to many of her songs over the years, and I particularly enjoy (just put in any of them APART FROM THE ONE ABOUT THE ABORTION IN THE WATER). In fact, I should like to point out that Let England Shake is itself a love letter to modern Conservatism. But let me make one thing quite clear.


The jaunty 'The Last Living Rose' stands out immediately as a fine example of Tory policy - the first lines, '"Goddamn Europeans!" representing our traditional Eurosceptism and our determination that Britain, modern Britain, must remain its own entity. We also see the paradox of Broken Britain and Britain the World Leader in those conflicting lines about "beautiful England" and "the filthiness of ages". We see concern for crime and alcoholism, so neatly encapsulated by "drunken beatings", and, most importantly, we see a rebuke towards the previous administration's valuation of our nation's gold reserves with those memorable lines, "gold hastily sold/for nothing". (Eagle-eared listeners may also spot a reference to Mr Brown's extended, unelected stay as PM in 'England', as she croons, 'people, they stagnate with time, like air'.) But let me make one thing quite clear.


Then, of course, the jangling title track, 'Let England Shake', refers to "Bobby" coming home to tell the narrator that indifference won. I see through Ms. Harvey's sense of truly British irony - she is in fact referencing the splendid victory of Conservative MP Robert Wilson in 2005 for the seat of Reading East - a by-election in which indifference most certainly did not win, in which it could never have won, because we live in a country like Britain that has belief in its politicians. But let me make one thing quite clear.


And then there's the running theme of 'war' throughout the album; a tone that all at once evokes dismay at the continued ill-treatment of our soldiers overseas, criticises the government that sent them into a war without ever doing so explicitly or without coming out and calling it 'illegal', as well as showing respect and honour to these brave men and women. It is not a confused response from the point of view of a singer-songwriter. And, obviously, neither is it a confused response from a nation's Conservative government. But let me make one thing quite clear.

This is not some shallow attempt to grab attention for oneself by invoking a subject which is currently very popular (neither, obviously, is this letter). Any on-the-nose qualities that might go with the territory of being a concept album that 'deals with' Modern Britain - particularly, I feel, that mention of "drunken beatings" and the entirety of 'The Words That Maketh Murder', apart from its killing final line - are cancelled out by the still, quiet simplicity of the heavily Eliot-influenced pronouncements and natural observations that conclude many of the tracks (and which sometimes make up the whole song - see 'In The Dark Places'). As Ms. Harvey intones on 'On Battleship Hill',


"Cruel nature has won again."


I do hope you see fit to publish this small article - and I hope many of your patriotic readers and audience overseas will come to see the essential, modern, engaged Conservatism of PJ Harvey's Let England Shake. I shall also be sending in a mixtape of the greatest songs by Nas (none of that Distant Relatives horseshit) and a collection of my own poetry, entitled 'Dave Speaks Out'. But let me make one thing quite clear.


Yours,


David William Donald Cameron,
Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

Bitch | Mixtape | Mixtape XVII, Lassie Jams, by BITCHES

Music As Reading: Mixtape XVII, Lassie Jams, by BITCHES

And to that day we expire and turn to vapours
Me and my capers – I’ll be somewhere stackin plenty papers
Keepin it real, packin steel, gettin high
Cause life’s a bitch and then you die

It being ‘bitch’ week at Silkworms, we decided to ask clattery drum, bass and screaming band BITCHES for a mixtape. Bassist slash screamer Blake’s response was to explore and interrogate his meandering literary relationship with curse words – a relationship responsible for his band’s rude name, amongst other things – via a combination of commercial hip-hop and turn of the millennium chart hits. Another YouTube mixtape this week – apparently you have to be 18 or over to watch the Christina video, hilariously. I hope that doesn’t rule too many of you out. Oh, and open your exercise books here for more BITCHES songs and words and pictures and songs and so on.

At my primary school, each of us kids would have to take some time out from our busy schedules and ‘read to teach’, an uncomfortably intimate moment with my gold chain wearing, over-perfumed educator, Mr Lewis. I was steaming through the books at the time, taking on some weighty tomes. One of these fierce works of art was The Firm, by John Grisham, a book sodden with swears and dirty-talk. Mr Lewis summoned me over, and I prayed for a couple of pages of lawyer intrigue, with no rude words. I scanned ahead. Midway down the first page the word ‘Bitch’ danced around, sending a sick feeling into my eleven year old stomach. I couldn’t read it out. This was a church school! A school of Jesus etc.! I got on with the task in hand. I’ll deal with the curse when I get there. I got to the curse. I looked at Mr Lewis. ‘I’d rather not read the rude words. I’m a Christian...’ He nodded, he looked a bit odd and then Mr Lewis applauded my maturity. I had triumphed over bad talk. Mr Lewis even gave a little talk to the class later on, saying that we didn’t need to repeat swear words if they were against our religion or whatever. It was a lie though. Back home, much to my mother’s displeasure (she hates swearing, especially ‘bitch’), I danced my way around the house singing all the swear words I could, especially ‘fuck’ and ‘bitch’ and ‘willy’. I loved them then and still do, and am not a Christian, which is why I called my band BITCHES, a hark back to the Grisham days – and also the result of an attempt to pick a band name that isn’t a cool, one-word name packed with posi vibes, but one that was gross and rude and would annoy my mum. One of the problems that comes with the swear word bandname is that the ‘bitch’ word often gets a lot of attention when interviewers ask us questions. They don’t look impressed when I grunt and say ‘I picked it because it was rude and cool,’ rather than give them some kind of irono-feminist-no penis-the girl in the band came up with it excuse, and so trying to come up with a bunch of songs about the word ‘bitch’ has taught me a lot about the different ways people use this swear. Here are these songs, along with seductive explanations for each, that are crammed with painstakingly researched info and light humour.

Kanye West: Runaway

I SENT PICTURES OF MY DICK TO A GIRL AND I WROTE A SONG CRYING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!! SO WHAT THAT MAKES ME A LITTLE BITCH!!!!!!!

Baha Men: Who Let The Dogs Out?

Don’t freak out! The Baha Men are smart guys. This song is about how MEN are dogs, slobbering all over the beautiful girls of Jamaica. They flipped the ‘bitch’ insult on its head for the pre-school market.

Dr Dre: Bitches Ain’t Shit

The Baha Men were forced into action because of records like this. A gang of loveless rap lads convened to fill the air with nothing but bad vibes towards girls. I think all the guys are married now, so they’re probably not allowed to casual rap this round the house/in the shower.

Foreigner: Cold as Ice

When Paul Daniels falls out with Debbie, he finds a record to blast out. He clutches The Chronic, but he knows he can’t get away with it, not in this house, so he plops this on the turntable. TAKE THAT MCGEE, you old bitch.

Notorious BIG: Me and My Bitch

Here, ‘bitch’ refers to ‘girl that I love loads and loads, so much that I would give her father a blow-job.’

Frankee: FU Right Back

Frankee here being a big old bitch about her ex-boyfriend. To be fair to her, the ex-boyfriend, Eamon, released a song where he calls her a ho and stuff, so he definitely deserved it.

BITCHES: Winner

This is the band I was talking about earlier, the band that I’m in. We have a swear word name. The song itself is about fertiliser and the act of going out to ‘pull birds.’ Some men that ‘pull birds’ call women ‘bitches’, because they hear it in rap songs and read Jackie Collins books. Horrible.

Pet Shop Boys: Suburbia

Of course, a bitch is also a lady dog, so I thought really hard about my favourite dog song. It’s not really about, you know, woof woof dogs living it up and how they face the day, but still my favourite song that sings about dogs, even in a ‘suburbs are horrible’ way, that isn’t the littlest hobo theme.

Die Antwoord: Rich Bitch

A celebration of being a wealthy lady, I think. Just a bloody mean rich person that loves Nutella sandwiches.

Christina Aguilera: Can’t Hold Us Down

This is girl power, like the Baha Men, saying all stuff like ‘call me a bitch cause I saw what’s on my mind.’ Really makes me want to turn woman and take it to the limit, explode all the men.

Nas: Life’s a Bitch

It’s not just rudeness though, and horrible men slinging out insults. Nas reminds us about the bigger picture. Thanks Nas.